I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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