I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
