When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
