Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
