hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
