You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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