I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
