She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
