So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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