I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
