i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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