i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
