The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
