does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize