once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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