i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
