You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
