My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
