Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
