he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
