It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
