I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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