She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
