Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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