I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize