Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
