why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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