He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize