is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
