Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
