Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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