Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
