Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
