I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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