you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
