Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
