You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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