dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize