god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
