We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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