Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
