just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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