Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need water and some morals
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
