I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
