A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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