Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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