i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
