Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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