Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
