Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
