and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
