That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
