I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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