I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
