I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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