i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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