half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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