I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
