I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
