a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
